Gratitude

As I sit here in solitary silence, I find myself thinking. Wondering. I realize how my relationship with God isn’t exactly where I want it to be, but I know it’s not where it used to be. I find myself wanting to talk to You and then realizing that I didn’t make the time.

I find myself missing moments like this where I am free. Free to not wake up early for work. Free to not wake up early for school.

Free.

It’s moments like this that I absolutely cherish. How can I have this and still be able to get a check every month?

I spoke with the guy earlier today. I haven’t talked to him in weeks. We had talked about a few weeks to a month ago about a few things. I was on the verge once again of making a decision that would land me in sin. And I was ok with that. Anyway, so I believe after that conversation like the next day after I prayed for a breakthrough for both me and my sister she received a call and was able to connect.

I spoke, or more so text the guy but my interaction wasn’t as wonderful. Basically we discussed the ongoing issue. To sex or not to sex. His response was something to the effect of well with you I’m basically stuck, caused me to feel that he wasn’t and didn’t want me in his life.

Upon further thought. I realized that I should had listened to him in the first place.

On our first date I guess you could say, he told me he wasn’t ready for all that. Relationship, etc. What should I expect?

Lord I know that I have made foolish and unwise decisions. I realize that I am unable to have a life without you. I love you Lord even now when nothing is as I’d wish and hope for. You promise me so many things and even though I have yet to see them come to pass, I am aware and believe that you are a God that does not and will not lie.

You tell me you’d give me wisdom.

You said you’d give me the desires of my heart.

You said you’d protect and provide.

You said you would take care of me.

Thank you Lord for everything you have done for me and my family. Thank you for protecting and providing for us even when it seeemed like it wasn’t enough. Thank you for shielding us from things seen and unseen. Thank you for surrounding us with people who are able to speak into our lives and vice versa. Thank you for covenant relationships. Thank you for raising up our boys to be men of valor and with a love and heart for you. Thank you for allowing our girls to not have to go through everything we went through to teach them that they are loved just as they are. Thank you for helping to teach and guide us as their parents.

Help us to raise them as you prefer.

Thank you thank you thank you.

I can never say it enough for everything.

I love you with all I am and thank you Lord for not giving up on me even in my imperfections. Thank you for not giving me what I deserve and loving me enough to even bless me with what I don’t deserve.