Toxic Relationships

It’s so frustrating to me when I think of all the things I’ve said. Think of the ways that I realize now was wrong thinking and realize I really hate that I made that decision. I’m referring to my ‘relationship’ with the guy. We spoke the other day and basically agreed it wasn’t going to work. I knew this and had known it for quite some time I just wouldn’t accept it.

I hate that.

It’s been two years. Wasted basically with someone I knew wasn’t good for me. I’m going to read what I wrote a few years ago just to see what was going on back then…

I just want to scream!

(Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!)

Jesus.

I was just thinking it seems I don’t like being by myself. I don’t mind it, I just like being with someone too. Only problem is they haven’t been there. Not at the same intensity as I’ve given. It’s always an unbalanced kind of relationship with me doing more and expecting less. I expect more, but basically settle for the less.

So frustrating!!! Jesus.

I’m so tired of this same stupid MOUNTAIN! I WANT TO MOVE ON FROM THIS! I want what you have for me. I see how I have perverted what I though you had for me when you didn’t send them at all! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want someone who has a relationship with you. An actual relationship! I’m so sick of this. I do recognize who I am. Yes I have my issues. No I don’t do things and just expect that an ‘oh that’s just me’ excuse will do. I know I love hard. At the same time I know I’m selfish in a lot of ways. I want a committed relationship with a man that you send Lord. Someone that you spoke to and said ‘that’s her’ be patient with her, but that’s her.

I’m frustrated because I’ve given my damn body to a man who could give two effs about me and who doesn’t really care about me AT ALL!

Thank you for your forgiveness Lord. You were still with me even making them stupid decisions and mistakes.

Thank you.