Not Love

Long time.

Been meaning to come back here and write. For the last maybe 3 or 4 weeks? I’ve been working over 60 hour weeks. Yeah, extreme tiredness. Thank you Lord for seeing me through and giving me the strength to continue as I see you were the one who gave me the job!

Lots has changed.

Sometime last week the guy called me and was talking about me being deserving of all good things. Kinda threw me off. Today I told him that if he didn’t know that I did, that I loved him, but as far as a serious relationship I would not have one with him if God was not at the center.

Realizing how much time has passed.

Realizing what I want, need. My hopes and dreams. I don’t have time for a half-assed relationship. Either we’re going in the same direction or we’re not. Last night I had a talk with God about this. I said Lord you know my heart. I’m not interested in being used. I’m not interested in entertaining someone you don’t approve of, even if I believe with all my heart you told me to love him.

I want more.

And if he’s not willing to give me what I want, I believe it’s time to let go. If marriage, God, is not on his radar, why should I wait around when it may not even happen?

I love too hard, too much. Am too loyal to wait around for someone who I don’t feel appreciates me how I should be appreciated. It’s really hard right now too.

I’m extremely………extremely in want of some d$%#….Jesus…and that man…..Jesus…forgive me Lord my impure thoughts…I don’t want no one else but him…his. He doesn’t want to wait for marriage. We haven’t but things change right? I just know I want more than he’s giving me. I do love him though. I just wish he’d give me more communication. Talk to me. Let me into your life a little more.