Unwavering Hope

Thank you Lord for another day.

Thank you for all that you do and continue to do. Thank you Lord for your peace. I am thankful that I am able to have a peaceful, friendly conversation with my ex-husband. We talked awhile earlier because he needed help with something on the internet. I found it pleasant and familiar yet slightly undesirable at the same time.

I have known him for well over 10 years. I have known my boyfriend less than 6 months. I want nothing more than to be friendly with the father of my kids as we navigate raising them together. At the same time I want to have that closeness with my boyfriend. Is that too much to ask? I feel God allowed it. I’ve prayed for a way out or another way if it wasn’t to be.

Granted we may not ever be married, but I know there’s so much we can learn from each other. He’s taught me some things that I didn’t recognize or believe about myself. I believe I’m teaching him that everyone isn’t out to get him or wish anything bad on him all the time.

That’s what I hope at least.

He doesn’t seem to want me to get close to him in certain ways. Yet in others it’s no problem. I am having a hard time trying to understand what I’m supposed to do. There’s who I am. I just want to love him. Then there’s the part that says well what about you. What about what you need. I have a peace about it. I text him earlier and said we needed to talk in person. This isn’t something that comes naturally for me. Expressing my desires to someone. Explaining how I feel. I just know it needs to be done. When I make a decision to be with just one person, that’s what I want. I’ve already prayed and asked God to help me. I don’t know what I’m doing. Even if I did I would need His help.

I want to be blessed. I am blessed.

I just want to continue to make decisions that won’t change that.

I want to be missed.

I want to be loved and appreciated by the man I am with.

It’s so easy to run to the first available person for what I may not be receiving in my current relationship. I know I’m not married but I feel that it should be something to work towards.

I don’t like sharing. Be it with someone else with who I’m with or someone with me. If there is a problem I want to be able to work it out with who I’m with. I’ve hurt before. I’ve been hurt before. I know where I lacked wisdom and didn’t do things how they should have been done. I own up to my mistakes.

I just want a relationship that proves God is who He says He is. I want to be able to discuss Jesus. To pray with each other and for each other. Hoping for the best and being able to be ourselves. I want honesty and trust. Trust is definitely key. I’ve learned that my way is not always the best and only way. I’m continually learning I should say. I no longer want to rush my relationship. I want the simmer of getting to know one another. The quality time. I need that.

I see you there

Sad and afraid

I won’t hurt you

Trust me, be brave

There is nothing I want more

Than to see the real you

More than anything

I just want to love you

Shanda ♥