New Beginning

Today marks the first day of new beginnings. Well, sort of. I am trying my best to let go and let God. I hate when I feel I am making a decision, or have made a decision that I am certain He did not want me to do. Currently, I am in a relationship with a man I met while at work. It’s been a few months. Before I met this man I prayed…no actually more like cried out to God asking Him why it was so hard to find someone I could share my life with.

Someone who was just as interested in me as I was them. Someone who loved me as much as I loved them. I vividly remember. I was driving back home. I was doing the ugly cry as some call it. I figured I needed to get that out my system and then just as quickly as I had those feelings, I felt at peace.

I felt that God was being patient and understanding. He knows my heart. He knows that I didn’t need it because like I’ve done before I’d idolize the man and not the One who sent him.

I can see it a bit clearer now.

Not so much when you’re in the middle of it. Anyway, so after I receive and felt this peace I realized I felt that I had disappointed Him somehow. I mean why should I be complaining about what I don’t have when He’s given me so much?

Well I just let it go and continued to focus and build my relationship with the Lord. I would say about a month or so after that, I noticed I was completely content with where I was.

Love would come eventually.

I even discussed with a few of my coworkers that I was happy and didn’t need to be in a relationship, but eventually it would happen. Weeks later, I kept noticing this guy. Fine specimen of a man seemed to be watching me. He was on the 1st shift. At the time I worked 3rd shift. He always spoke and it always made me laugh because I knew it was something about him that was different, but I wasn’t interested. I mean he was fine, but I wasn’t looking at it as any more than what it was. He looks. He speaks. I speak. I leave.

Then one day, which caught me completely off guard he drove his forklift over to where I was as I was leaving and introduced himself. Now in my head I was thinking…why are you introducing yourself to me?! We been saying good morning to each other for a while now. He let me know that I was someone he wanted to get to know and asked if he could have my number. I waited about a week before I gave him an answer. I was trying to be sure God had his hand in it and it wasn’t me being emotionally excited because I hadn’t had someone interested AND speak up in quite a while. Fast forward to today.

I’m not sure what to think about our relationship. I keep getting the feeling to stay when everything in me wants to leave. There is this book called Crossing Jhordans River by Kendra Norman-Bellamy which in some ways echoes my feelings about how he treats me and why. He has had bad relationships with his wife and with another woman. I don’t know the full extent of the stories, but I do know some. It’s heart breaking for me to hear some of the stuff he has gone through. Right now I guess I figure if God wills it he’ll help to see me through it. Unlike other times that I wanted to try to love somebody and change them it’s weird because I wanted to just love him. Flaws bad habits and all. I don’t get it. Say I didn’t mess up this time and follow my own emotions, etc. why would God send me someone who seems to go against everything I was expecting in my future husband?

I’m really not sure how long we will be together. I really like him and am hoping that to be a possibility. He is so distant and I feel that if he has any deep feelings toward me he tries to hide them or bury them so he won’t get hurt again. Yesterday he got into a car accident that left him with a totaled vehicle. Thankfully he is doing ok. Right now it’s a little after 10pm. He told me earlier that he’d call me back. Usually when he says that he hasn’t been. That’s what makes me think he doesn’t care as much, but then I don’t know.

I’m very comfortable right now getting to know him a little more, but how can you get to know someone that doesn’t seem to have time or doesn’t seem to want to get to know you? There’s a lot going on in my brain but I try to busy myself and not think about it. I’m going to start journaling again. More often and consistently. It is very therapeutic.