Empathy

The last couple of days my heart, my emotions, EVERYTHING has been stressed in some way.

I am so thankful for each and everything I have. Sometimes when I hear tragic news and it’s continuous…

A couple weeks ago a former coworker lost her nephew when he and his friend were struck by lightning while on the side of the road.

A couple weeks ago I found out that my old hairstylist lost her son when he was stabbed to death in an argument.

Then just a couple days ago I found out that my exes cousin lost her son.

It doesn’t compare but on top of all this news I’m frustrated and feeling like I’m going nowhere in the relationship. Like I don’t matter. That my kids don’t matter.

I know what it’s like not to have a male around. I remember my uncle a lot during these times. No he wasn’t perfect, but he was THERE. To offer advice. To listen. To teach.

I wish he was still here and my kids had a chance to meet him.

I know I shouldn’t expect my relationship to be better than it is with my relationship with God not being where it could be. I know it’s not good, but I go back and forth with whether or not I heard right from God. I hear so many say that when they met their future spouse it wasn’t easy but it wasn’t like this. We barely talk. I should have known though. From the beginning he’s been close lipped about certain things in his life. He seems not to trust me.

Why is the very thing I said I wouldn’t deal with the very thing the person I….. I don’t even know what to say right now. I am starting to get frustrated just thinking about it all.

I get so focused on who I can be for someone. How I can help. Not to change them but just to make their life a little easier. Being there for them. Helping them. I’m loyal. Why is it there is no male besides God that is able to give me all the qualities that show the respect and loyalty I give to them?

Thank you Lord for always being there for me. For showing me when I don’t know which way to go. For listening to me. For understanding who I am and loving me anyways. Realizing that I am not a perfect person but you love me anyway. Here it is the day I was supposed to celebrate my boyfriends birthday and I haven’t heard a word from him all day except ‘Good morning and thank you’ from when I said happy birthday.

Being that I mentioned how I wanted to celebrate today with him it seems to scream to me with the lack of communication, ‘I don’t care about you. I don’t care about your feelings. I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care.’

I asked when I could bring him the cake I made.

No response.

And that was yesterday…

I am trying not to jump to my old ways of handling things..