Proverbs
Proverbs 3:7-12
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
8 It will be healing to your body And refreshment to your bones.
9 Honor the LORD from your wealth And from the first of all your produce;
10 So your barns will be filled with plenty And you vats will overflow with new wine.
11 My son, do not reject the discipline of the LORD Or loathe His reproof,
12 For whom the LORD loves He reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.
To start this entry, I began as I normally do by reading from the online bible study tool. Today has been interesting to say the least. I believe because I have begun the end of my menstrual cycle, my emotions have gone from cheery, overly excited and exuberant to unsure, anxious and needy.
Of course I deliberately decided to put on praise and worship music. I know no one is going to be able to do me like Jesus.
I try to remind myself that because there were and still are sometimes those times when my flesh says otherwise. Like no seek him instead. (The guy) I did contact but not til after I already had found solace in my music.
I wanted a hug. But I didn’t think it was appropriate to ask for one. I seem so selfish. My mind has been all over the place. Just thinking about life in general and how things can change in but a moment. The other day my mom headed to D.C. for the annual Rolling Thunder trip. While still in Kentucky, I believe because of weather, there was an accident. She posted asking for prayers.
I did not at the time realize who it was I was praying for. I thought it was one person. A female. As I searched and combed through comments, I saw that someone had mentioned that they had watched the news about the accident.
I googled the info and found there actually was two people who were involved and the male did not survive. Wasn’t until later that I found out that it was John who had passed and his wife was in the hospital still. Became emotional for me because I imagine my mom. How she must already be feeling emotional, being the first time she rode this trip without Paul.
Still hard to believe sometimes.
And then to have that happen to someone she is close to. I feel so foolish and vulnerable exposing myself emotionally to him. I don’t want to get hurt. I try to maintain that stance of ‘yeah I want to be with someone’ but also the flight response to anything that smells like smoke. It doesn’t seem best for us to be romantically involved. Unfortunately, I don’t want to be with anyone else. I know what I deserve. I know what I want. He’s the closest in a lot of ways to what I want. Other ways not so much.
I know for sure though that I will speak up more for myself. I hate that I have continued the pattern that I have had before. There was no decent period of friendship and then transitioning into a romantic relationship. Seems like everything was done as what I wanted and not mutually.
