Drowning
Content Advisory- The following post talks about self-harm.
Really struggling with my emotions and being patient. This song I’m listening to right now called Drowning by KB is expressing what I’m feeling. When I was younger I vividly remember.
I was sitting in my room. I had ‘painted’ my room lol I was into Mickey Mouse something heavy. I had a panel of him going around my room. I was sitting there. I was extremely depressed.
I didn’t feel loved.
I didn’t feel needed.
I didn’t feel like I would be missed if I were gone.
I know that isn’t true but being in that state of mind and hurting because you actually believe it at that time was a very hard struggle.
I sat there on my bed. I had got some really sharp scissors. I was gonna stab myself to death.
I kept hearing a voice very calmly and accepting saying, ‘It’s okay just go ahead and do it.’ Like I had something to gain. I was so against stabbing myself. I simply couldn’t do it. Which is why I can’t be a doctor lol. Otherwise I would have. Then I thought about cutting myself.
Well people would ask too many questions and I didn’t want to have to deal with people. I haven’t had a thought like that in years. Since that time actually.
At this point I was driving. I began to wonder how fast I needed to go to either run off the road or crash into the concrete median.
My life has been filled with my kids. Thank you Lord. The weird thing for me is that yesterday I had those same thoughts. I quickly shoved them away after I realized what I would start thinking. And began to uncontrollably sob. Maybe it was considered crying but sobbing seems to fit better. I’m being thrown into a cyclone.
Or that’s how it feels.
So many emotions.
So many things going not the right way.
So much.
Thank you Lord anyhow. I have continuously heard my breakthrough is coming. My new level is coming. My finances will be changed. I don’t see it but I trust that God will do what He says.
I will continue to crawl toward my happiness.
Wounded knees.
Tear soaked eyes.
Fragile heart.
